Celebrating the Unsung Heroes This Father’s Day

In the midst of a worldwide crisis of masculinity, South Africans are gearing up to celebrate Father’s Day this month.  While all children benefit from loving, caregiving relationships with their fathers, it is particularly hard for boys to cultivate positive male identities if their fathers are absent or uninvolved in their lives. What can make the difference for boys with absent fathers, is having healthy relationships with father figures, or “social fathers”.

According to the State of South African Fathers (SOSAF) 2024 report, 64.5% of South Africa children don’t live with their biological fathers. More than half of this group however live with other adult men. These may be stepfathers and partners of their mothers, or in extended family households, relatives such as older brothers, grandfathers and uncles.

However, boys don’t necessarily have to reside with a positive father figure – social fathers can also be teachers at schools, pastors from local churches, coaches at community sports programmes or mentors from a non-profit organisation.

Wessel van den Berg, Senior Advocacy Officer at Equimundo Center for Masculinities and Social Justice explains, “A social father is a man who steps into a fathering role, engaging with the child and providing caregiving – of course, with the full knowledge and consent of the child’s mother or guardian. Children tend to identify with men who they spend quite a lot of time with, and with time and consistency, these men could become father figures to them. So, a social father is really defined in terms of the nature and quality of care that a man gives to a child.”

Social fathering, the missing link in improving men’s engagement in childcare in SA
While some men in South Africa are informally in social fathering roles, it is important that society recognises and values their contribution. It is also essential that there is wide support and encouragement for social fathers in the country.

The Character Company (TCC) is a non-profit mentoring organisation focused on connecting ‘fatherless’ boys with vetted and trained social fathers. Founder and CEO, Jaco van Schalkwyk says, “For the past 13 years, TCC has provided mentorship for well over 1100 boys, delivering almost 10 000 mentorship sessions and holding 175 camps for boys and their mentors. We have essentially established a thriving community model of social fathering where boys can engage over the long-term with consistent, positive male role models, and our mentors benefit from structure and support for their efforts as social fathers.”

Social fathering may not be for everyone. Jaco points out that it can be a tough space requiring patience, self-control, firm boundaries, confidence in one’s ability to provide guidance and a relentlessly kind heart. Many boys come into the TCC programme with emotional wounds due to their lack of fathering, which can easily manifest in challenging behaviours.

Jaco says, “Social fathers are special people. In the absence of a biological connection, they must have a strong personal intention and commitment to make a good difference in the lives of our boys. They need to be men who are driven by their values and can stand out as role models because of this demonstrable integrity.

“One of the questions we ask our volunteers is, who are you accountable to in your life? We want to know, do you have a community of men with whom you are vulnerable and accountable? This is important because being a social father is a learning journey for our mentors. Questioning traditional concepts of masculinity, developing emotional intelligence, as well as awareness of self and others are embedded in the process of taking our boys through our values-based curriculum. For the right person, becoming a social father through the TCC mentorship programme is empowering and life-changing for the mentor as much as the boys.”

Consistency is key for social fathers
Both Jaco and Wessel agree that if you are inspired to step up as a social father, you must be sure you are going to be able to be consistent with the child. Making regular time and ensuring that you are present with the child, mentally and emotionally available, is essential. Jaco says, “For a boy with an absent father, he has a deep need to be seen, he wants to be heard, and he wants to know that he matters to you. When a social father comes into the life of a fatherless boy, the message is that he is worth stepping up for, and it’s incredibly important not to let him down on this.

“In this way, his TCC mentor becomes a role model for being accountable, helping the boy grow into a man with good values, emotional intelligence and empathy for others. When South Africa has enough social fathers who can do this for all our boys with absent fathers, we will turn the tide against so many of the big problems in our society.”